Tuesday, March 31, 2009

My brain is working overtime....

Well, you know me, I have to first start by saying hello and thank you to all of those who continue to show support to my brother and I by checking the blog from time to time. Now, I know I have failed you by not posting on here in a while and I apologize. I really am sorry. It's not that I haven't had ideas or things to share, for some odd reason I just can't find the time to sit down and put the thoughts into words. Without further ado...

My brain has been working overtime lately. I've had so much going on in my mind, my heart, and my body. I've had so much going on lately that I don't really know where to start...I guess I'll start with what I've been doing lately....ok, honestly I just typed the "body" paragraph but I'm not ready to go on with what's going on in my head or my heart. SO, what have I been up to?? Well, I'll give you a quick little rundown.... I got home from Iraq, was in Texas for about 4 days, got home, stayed home for about two weeks, went to Daytona, FL for bike week for a week (AWESOME!), came home for 4 days I think...maybe 5, then I went to Ohio to fulfill a promise I made to my family in Ohio. I spent two wonderful weeks with them in Ohio. It was so nice because I was able to hang out with everyone and spend ample amounts of time at both sides of the family without being rushed from one house to the other. I came home from Ohio, spent last week painting my living room (thanks to a friend's advice to make my house look better)...I also had the carpet replaced last week... due to a not so good friend's dogs using my living room as a huge litter box. I got my living room put back together all pretty and nice finally Saturday afternoon. And now I'm in KY at Ft. Campbell visiting my brother and his wife for a few days. Saturday is a benefit motorcycle ride to honor Service Men and Women fallen and still serving. It should be fun and the weather is supposed to be nice. I go back to work in about a week and half, so that will be another adjustment that I will have to make. I'm too used to this not working thing. Although, I must say that I've been pretty busy. I have so SO many things that I want to get done in the next 10 days or so, but I know I won't get them all done. That's ok though. My “To Do” list for house projects seems to just keep getting bigger…Just because I'll be back to work doesn't mean that I won't have any personal time. I honestly thought my vacation time would fly by but it's actually going kind of slow....much to my surprise. OH...just thought of something but I'll save it for one of the below paragraphs.... SO that's been my return in a nutshell....I may have left out a fun detail here or there, but I'll probably throw it in below somewhere....

I'll start with my body because it is the easiest to explain. I've gained about 20 unwanted pounds of weight in the last year. NO good! I have a goal to lose it back in the coming months. And actually the deadline is more like a month, but we'll see how that goes. I know it's not healthy but I think I can at least knock out 10 of the 20 in a month. You see I have this problem...I love to eat. I love good food and I love to cook. SO if I start eating, it's hard to put down the fork and say enough. Now I know I can re-heat it tomorrow and enjoy it later, but for some reason, I want to eat everything now. SO simply cutting down and being a little more active will help. See I told you that was easy... Next....hmmmm the brain or the heart....

Ok, so to the brain....what I really am referring to is the mental adjustment that I'm trying to make from a war zone mind frame to a civilian mind frame. It's not been as easy as I thought it would be or as easy as I wanted it to be. There have been times that have been pretty hard. It's weird. I understand how the mind gets trained and associates certain things with certain other things....I'll give you an example. In Iraq when something blew up close to the base or in maybe in the city it would shake our building. Imagine this with me: BOOM! Building shakes. Look at watch for time check. Go outside to see where explosion was. Go back inside and wait for call. Get call. Run to hospital front area. Unload casualties - not pretty most of the time. Treat injuries. Go back to office....and wait to do it again. Follow me here for a second....I'm in Ohio, at a "picking and grinning" dinner with my grandparents. The building shakes....someone slammed an outer door....my mind kind of jitters...check watch....tell self, "I'm in Ohio, not Iraq"..... Ten minutes later, it happens again....mind jitters..."I'm in Ohio, not Iraq"....as the night went on, I got used to it and it didn't bother me anymore. The other day...Saturday morning. I'm riding to Lowes and then McDonald's for breakfast. I hear a screech and crash behind me, and another, and another, I quickly move my truck out of the way in order to give room and not get hit myself. I look over my left shoulder and see a car slowly moving in the middle of the road with no one controlling it. It was the rear car. The one that caused the accident...the one that was crushed in the front. I run up to it...I don't see the driver. I run around to the passenger side...still no driver. Back to the driver's side, nothing. The windshield is busted but no obvious hole of ejection. I look under the car because there is huge puddle of blood coming from under the car that looked too familiar to me....the car was filling with smoke....I said out loud, "I can't handle this" thinking the person is under the car. This whole time the car's engine is on fire. Then....I see her. She was thrown into the passenger side floor board. She was dazed and very confused. I yelled at her to unlock the doors because her car was on fire and I couldn't get them open...well, they were unlocked but they were jammed shut due to the force of the accident. We got the rear door opened and we were trying to get her out but she was too dazed to get to the open door....I ran back to the police car that was pulling up yelling for a fire extinguisher....the cop didn't waste time giving it to me of course, he could see the fire growing larger himself...when I turned around the flames had grown from 8 inches to three feet above the car. Two others drug the woman out of the car to safety....the woman suffered a broken leg, a man in the middle vehicle probably had bruised ribs, and everyone else was ok. Well, by now you may be guessing that the enormous puddle of blood under the car wasn't blood at all. It was brake fluid or transmission fluid...whatever it was...I knew what it looked like...and it took me right back to Christmas Day. I'm not sure what it is, but before I left for Iraq, I hadn't helped with an accident, an injured person, or anything weird in MONTHS...since being home I helped a girl that was roller skating that broke her ankle pretty bad (everyone screaming and freaking out...) that car accident, and another incident that I'll not mention. Besides the crazy accidents, when I first got home life was really weird. Trying to get back to "normal" life was not easy. My sleep hours were all messed up. I'd go to bed at 3am and wake up at 7am unable to sleep wondering why in the world I can’t sleep until 0900 or something a little later. So many mornings I would just lay there rolling, tossing, and turning. Going to Ohio and having to get up at a decent time helped. A weird dream from time to time would get thrown in there...but, I'm sleeping better now. I don't feel so distant from everything. I think I'm finally starting to feel normal again. I honestly think part of it is because I haven't gone back to work. I think once I get back into my routine and not have so much free time, I'll be better off. Overall, I think I'm doing ok. I think I'll be just fine....not that there's anything wrong with me now, I'm just saying, life here in my little world is getting back to normal. However, something no one wants to hear, especially my family...I'm not sure how long I'll be able to live this "normal life"....thoughts about going back over there swim through my mind almost daily. And the number one question people ask..."are you back for good?" or "how long you back for?" That's a very difficult question. I'm not a good liar so I just can't say, "Oh yeah, I won't have to go anywhere for two years at least." After all, that is the Army's policy. But, I really don't think that will be a reality with me. But in light of trying to explain, I simply answer, "yeah, I'm home for a good" or "I don't have to go back for a while". However, sometimes I don't do a good job of keeping my real thoughts hidden and they hear it in my voice or see it in my eyes. Which, usually is returned by "what do you mean only for a while?" I usually just ramble off some non-sense gibberish and they leave it at that. But honestly, unless the heart part of me has some significant reason not to...I'll end up somewhere within the year's end. BUT there are reasons for that. Just as there are reasons for everything.... 1. First and foremost, I've been there one year. One year. It just does NOT sit well with me that some are there for their 4th and 5th time. If I can go and let someone that has gone 3 times already stay home...I'll happily go for them. 2. I shouldn't need a #2, but I'll humor you....I like the Army. 3. Duty to my Country. I have a big sense of honor doing what I do. I feel that I am good at what I do, and if I can be a service to my fellow brothers, and my Country...so be it. Now, when will this feeling of duty and "who's counting" stop? I'm not sure. That's getting into the heart portion of this, I'll get there, no worries. But seriously, when will it end. I'll answer that by referring to my favorite line in any movie ever made. I don't have it memorized for some reason, but I have the gist of what is being said. Black Hawk Down. One of the last scenes of the movie....two of the main characters are standing in line eating and resupplying their ammo. "Some people think I'm a war junkie. I'd try to explain it to them, but they wouldn't understand. It's about the man next to you. That's it. It's not about me....it's about the man next to you." And there you have it.

The heart is a wonderful but very confusing thing at times. No offense ladies, but it could easily be compared to a woman...I don't think we're ever supposed to completely understand it. I hope you thought that was at least a little funny. SO what's been tugging at my heart so much that I think it's important enough to share it with the world? Ummmmm......nothing. Precisely. That's just it. Nothing. Ok, I'll cut the crap....I threw mention to it a couple times in the previous paragraph. Wait...I'm not ready to explain that yet....sorry. I'm not sure how to start this or how to explain this without sounding like a little whiny puppy. There seems to be a lot of areas in my life that are doing absolutely wonderful. I couldn't complain. But the one area that I want the most is exactly the one area that is the most empty. My Navy roommate in Iraq helped me realize one very important thing. The one thing I wanted was exactly the one thing I didn't need in my life. And that "thing" was a particular woman....this may take me a few minutes to get back on track... I took a break...and probably at a bad time... Ok, the one area of my life that is lacking, is one part that I feel will make everything else come together. I don't want this to be a single's add or something stupid, but I honestly don't think I can write this “beating around the bush”...my heart is half empty. The thing missing in my life is a woman that loves me and that I love. Now one thing my roommate explained to me was that I needed to come home and be completely alone, live alone, and be happy being alone. So far...so good. I think I'm doing an ok job at that. And I know I've only been home about 6 weeks. Now, one positive thing, that woman I used to want, I see her, and I don't even care. It feels so good to finally be done with her. I feel like I finally have a completely open heart, and with the advice of my old roommate, I feel like for once I have a smart heart. The walls are still there, but instead of an armed guard at the gate, I have an intelligent protector in his place. I have met a couple nice women since I've been home. And I have had a few heart-warming moments. But the smart man at the gate smacks me back on track because I know they were not exactly who and what I need to have in my life. They were sweet at the moment and it was nice to catch a glimpse of what I was wanting...but it just wasn't right. Ok, so I'm getting of track a little. Basically, it's been hard coming home to no one. No offense family and friends. BUT, it's just not the same. Coming home to a beautiful woman that loves me, throws her arms around me, and holds me...holds me at night. I'm a romantic guy, and those simple things in life are what make me tic strong every day. Without these things I still function. Sure I do. My life is still is still good. Sure it is. I'm happy. Sure I am. You ever see someone with a sparkle in their eye and a pep in their step every time you see them and you wonder what they have that you don't.... it can be man or woman. It's the love of another. True happiness. True excitement to wake up every day and face the world knowing that the other person is right there with them every step of the way. I have a lot of things. Those that know me could wonder how rich my parents are and how much of a spoiled kid I must be. If I told you about the worldly possessions you too would say "wow, for 27 years old...wow." But I tell you this, the one thing in life I want the most...I can't have. And that my friend, sucks. I keep telling myself to be patient and God will bring that special woman into my life when He's ready. And I believe that. Something I believe very VERY strongly and you've read it before on here...Everything happens for a reason. There is not one minuet detail of your life that is a fluke. I believe that. So, with the encouraging words from my roommate, and the trust I have in God...I'll have that love one day. Phewww...so I told you I wasn't sure how I was going to explain all that... Basically, my heart has some adjusting to do too. Why couldn't I just have said that? I'm trying to make lite of what I just said...can you tell?

Well...I said my mind was working over time....and there were some details I left out that I'm just now remembering....so if you imagine if they were all in there. WOW. So, wrapping this thing up...my transition from Iraq back to civilian life has been quite a challenge. It hasn't been what I thought it would be that's for sure. But, I'm making it and I'm sure I'll be just fine. Life in the USA....land of free and the home of the taxed...I mean home of the brave. One thing I did forget to mention that I will take special time to say...in previous posts I'd mentioned the small things in life make me the happiest. And one of those things was dinner at my house with family and friends. I must say, I've done it three times between my travels since I’ve been home...and I have absolutely loved each and every time. There is just something about cooking, family, and friends gathered around my dining room table that I just can't get enough of. Again...there's only one thing missing in that picture. BUT I will not end this on a boo hoo note! THANK YOU ALL for reading our blog and checking us out on a weekly or daily basis. It's much appreciated. I really have enjoyed writing this short novel tonight and it has reminded me of how much I like writing on here. It's almost like a private therapy session for me. I get to vent and blab about whatever I want without being interrupted by someone else's opinion that I don't agree with. Don’t forget to give your comments….it’s simple encouragement for me to write again…sooner than later.

John, I love you bro. I want you to know that without question.

Till next time,
Somewhere in Iraq...NOT!!!

SGT Wormy



Anonymous said...

I was so happy to read your post and know that you're okay. I will pray that God will continue to bless you and guide you through each new day.

Anonymous said...


Blessings to you and your family.

Anonymous said...

thank you for a good post. knowing that your heart is searching for the person that God has prepared for you, I am glad you are trusting God for this person.
There is so much happening in life that is not mentionable and I ask everyone to pray for you and your family as they adjust to what life has in store for the two of you brothers :o)

Anonymous said...

It has been a while since I have had an opportunity to take a few minutes to catch up with your blog. I'm so glad that I made the time this morning.

I'm thankful that you made it home safe and are transitioning into civilian life with few complications. I can't imagine what that must be like. To be honest, I hope that I never have to. I'm not made like you. So, that makes me even more thankful to have men and women like you out there serving our country and keeping us safe. Some people are made for service and some are not. That's one of the things that makes us all different and special. I think I make a much better supporter or cheerleader than I would someone on the front line.

Sounds to me like you have got your head on straight and are making some good choices for yourself. It's important to love yourself and be happy with yourself before getting involved with someone else. It's not easy, but it is the best thing to do for self. Like it or not, there are times when we have to be selfish and take care of us. I know because I am going through the same thing. While I might want to get involved, I too realize that God has a plan for me and will bring the right person into my life at exactly the right time. Patience, while it might not be my strongest quality, is the best thing. I need to get where I need to be before I can be what I need to be for someone else.

I'll be praying for you as you start back to work, continue to transition into what will grow to be your new "normal" life and search for that special someone to help complete you and fill your heart. What was normal before, won't be so normal now as you have changed and experienced many things while being over there. Life experience changes us. How we choose to let it change us is up to each of us individually. I'm glad you have chosen a positive approach.

God bless you for what you have done and for what you will continue to do for our country. You are a real hero.