Numb....

Well, hello!! Hello to all of those who continue to check our blog and show your support to my brother and I. Thank you! Thank you to all of those who sent Veterans Day cards and kind email wishes. Thank you. They are and were greatly appreciated.

Numb...I'm not sure where to start this... first things first. Please stop and take 30 seconds and say a prayer for those who have made the ultimate sacrafice in efforts to protect your freedom.

I said mine....I hope you did too. Please also remember those whose lives are forever changed. Those who have been injured, scarred, or emotionally hurt. You know, I was sitting around today talking to a few people. They mentioned that every one of us that signed the dotted line and raised our hand knew the possibilities of what could happen. Sure, we know. We don't expect it, but we know. Today was a long day....a long day to say the least. I couldn't think of a better name for this post....I really don't think that numb is the right choice. You know why I joined the Army? If you've kept up with the blog, I won't have to remind you, but to make the point of this post, I'll do tell you again. Some people join the Army for college assistance..college money basically. Some, to help get out of trouble "join the Army or go to jail" type thing. Some, join the Army because they have nothing else to do, or no where else to turn. Some, join the Army just so they can be a "badass" and tell everyone that they are in the Army...like some National Guard and Reserve Soldiers..."I'm in the Army...huh huh huh!" No offense, but I've know some of those...I'm sure there are Active guys who do it too...you'll see them walking around town in uniform just to get attention or a pat on the back...whatever. Some, join to serve their country...do their part...to ensure the United States of America keeps the Freedom that we all love so much. Well, I fit that last one. I joined two months after we started this war in 2003 to do my part. I've always looked up to those in the military. I have several members of my family that were in the military. Both of my Grandpa's were in the Military. But I joined for the sole purpose to do my part. It just didn't feel right seeing so many other people sacrafice and do what they do so I could be free. I joined for you. Not me. I graduated college already, I have a good civilian job, amd I feel good enough about myself I don't need a uniform to make me feel special or get a pat on the back. I joined for you and to do my part. With that said, I'll continue the original thought...I'm here, doing my part. My part, for now, is almost done. My time here is coming to a close...kinda soon. I am a medic. Part of being a medic is that we always want to get in the shit. We want to see the worst, bloodiest, and most disgusting stuff. Not sure why...we just do. Kinda like infantry guys just want to shoot some bad guys...we want to do what we've been trained to do. Well...what they don't teach you in training is that in order for you to get in the shit....someone has to get hurt. Stay with me. We know Soldiers will get hurt, but in training...you don't think about that. It's all play and "acting" and the "casualties" scream and usually end up laughing...they don't scream and yell because you barely moved their shot arm or leg, the pretend wounds don't bleed all over your boots and your pants, you don't end up with someone's blood on your shirt, your face, your arms, your pants where it's enough that someone thinks you're wounded too...limbs don't move in places where they're not supposed to...when you lift a "wounded" arm it moves as one piece, not two like one that has really been shot....no one really dies...at the end of the training, everyone gets up and talks about good or bad the training was...they don't cover the person with a blanket or sheet and take him to mortuary affairs, the don't look at their watch and say "time of death, 1327"...the bandages you put on are "ok" at best, or you have no idea if they would really work or not...usually the pretend wounds "stop bleeding" according to the instructor...in reality, it seems like they never stop bleeding, and when they do, we've put a lot of effort into it.... but of course, that's training. Something that they don't teach us, or emphasize is this shit is real. There will come a time when it's not "play" anymore. They don't teach you how to be numb, and just do your job...walk away....and go through the rest of the day with a fake smile on your face like nothing happened. They don't teach you how to cope for the next 48 hours, or that you might have bad dreams about what you saw that day or the day before. They don't teach you to warn others about the possible mood change and to not take you too serious because there's a chance you're being a little more of a jerk than usual. No one really knows how they will react to combat until you're there...in the shit. I think I cope pretty well. And that's about where I am now. Numb....well, I'm not really numb, it still hurts. I still feel pretty bad for about 36 hours after "the shit" happens. BUT, God blessed me with an incredibly bad memory. I laugh about it usually, but over here....it's truly been a blessing. My good friends will tell you I can't remember what happened two days ago. Well...now, I don't want to remember what happened two days ago. I don't want to remember what happened twelve hours ago....so I'm good...kinda. Yeah, I'm good. I wanted to title this post, "I've seen enough", or "I'm ready to go home". I guess there comes a point in every medic's life when they've just had enough. I wonder if the civilian sector is different. The only connection that ambulance personell and hospital staff have is that they are people...maybe kids are harder, but they just don't have the same connection as seeing one of your fellow Soldiers laying there. I think it's different. Maybe someone can offer some insite. Going back to seeing enough. I never thought I would say that. I never thought about seeing too much. We're too focused on just seeing something that it never crosses our mind of "when is enough..enough." Well, I'll finish my time here strong till the end. No worries about that. But I definately have a different perspective on things....such as life itself and all the things we take for granted when we're healthy with four limbs that function without pain. Numb, not really. It still hurts to see and be a part of things that so many call "the shit"....among other things.

I'm able to write this next part because of the news coverage and it's public knowledge that two Soldiers made the ultimate sacrafice today: This relates to being numb....this was probably the second hardest part of my day. Even if it did happen some time after the initial incident. If I told you what a "Hero Ceremony" was, would you understand? A Hero Ceremony is where we stand attention, bring a final, crisp, most respectful salute to those fallen Soldiers as they are carried past us in a flag draped casket, then placed on a C-130 or C-17. It's our way of showing respect to those who have fallen. A final salute as they board their last ride from over here. Their units line up and do their best to stand tall and stand proud as they watch a fellow friend, brother, and most importantly, Soldier go home to be laid to rest. It's a very sombering experience. If you didn't appreciate life before, you will now. My folks got a really odd phone call today. I called the house and left a message on the answering machine. It was simple. It was short. "Mom, Dad, I love you. I just called to say I love you. It's been a bad day and I wanted to make sure you know that. I love you and I'll talk to you soon". Appreciate life. Tell someone you love that you love them. Just like these two Soldiers and many more that have made the ultimate sacrafice, you never know when God will call you home. Don't leave words unspoken. No one wakes up in the morining and thinks, "I'm going to die to today". But, if it happens...will you have said I love you to all those that you should have?

Just a final note: Mentally, I'm good. A little beat down, but good to go. Once again, God blessed me with a bad memory. Thank you again, and please keep our young Soldiers, their families, and friends in your prayers. Sometimes, you just don't know how bad they need it.

Till next time, I love you all and thank you again. Oh, and feel free to comment by clicking "comment" below.

Somewhere in Iraq
sgt wormy

6375 - counter is going backwards again....